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The ‘Jersey Shore’ Reunion Left Out The Best Person From The Show

Last night was an array of feelings for me. First, I was watching the intellectually stimulating, then I was watching 5 leather beanpoles stroll the wharf of the Jersey Shore again. Get you a girl who can do both.

We start out the demonstrate with lifelong develop wreck, Mike “The Situation”, introducing us to the reunion special. The Situation needs to situate himself in the gym, for real.

He talks about how it’s been 5 years since — the show about unemployable Italian people get lost on a beach that’s a mile long–aka his peak.

He’s like “the last five years have not been cool, I’ve had to face the consequences of all my decisions and that’s only not what I signed up for.” Sounds like post-grad life.

He says he still lives the GTL life but his chubby cheeks say that he actually lives the BLT life.

He introduces us to his girlfriend and they start making out at the barbershop.

The Barber as The Situation sucks face with his gf in the chair 😛 TAGEND

Mike are essentially lost touch with all the cast because “hes taking” that pill craving we all had in college style too far and finished in rehab. Twice. The Situation says he’s nervous they won’t want to talk to him and his girlfriend reassures him that all his friends enjoy him still, which is a really weird style of saying “they’re going to be making money from this, they wouldn’t miss it.”

He goes to pick up Snooki, a living legend. Snooks is like “I was a mess, but I’m so changed and mature now” as she downs Pinot Grigio while holding a baby at 11 am.

Her husband must be really outdoorsy because Snooki’s lips are like small-scale mountains. He’s gotta put on some hiking gear simply to make do with her, damn.

Mike doesn’t even get out of the car to reunite with his old friend. He only honks the horn outside of her home like Karen, the dame who used to drive the carpool to soccer practice.

Within three seconds of getting in the car, Snooki forgets what day it is, doubles up on oral contraceptive pill and asks Mike how many females he’s fucked. I don’t call them “living legends” for nothing.

Snooki: Mike, are you going to jail ?

Mike :

They go to get Pauly D, who is living his best life as a bottom-tier DJ at shitty nightclubs in Miami.

Pauly is apparently still into GTL too and could damn near audition for the part of Tracy Turnblad with the amount of hairspray he uses. No one light a match within 100 feet of this dude.

Pauly’s girlfriend is Aubrey O’Day from/ that band Diddy built one time and they talk about how she is super hot and detests how Pauly D probably cheats on her. The usual relationship woes.

They start talking about Ronnie and how he is a huge piece of shit now that the Kardashians made Malika dump him. Because the Kardashians have an iron clutch on E! Network’s balls, Ronnie will not be attending this reunion. Sorry Ronnie, you can try Sears.

JWoww is next to be picked up by this ghetto bus. She explains about how she is a “girl boss” running a blog and it’s like, hmmm take a number.

They are all in the car and I wonder how fucking severely it smells in there of spray tans, gaudy perfume and axe body spray.

They all are aroused to go back to Seaside, but Mike lets them know that they were legitimately banned from the whole town. Seaside has taken a stronger stance against guidos then Trump did against Nazis. What a time to be alive.

They go to the one restaurant on the shore that will allow them back and Sammi Sweetheart satisfies up with them. She’s like “hopefully this is a great reunion and we all make out.” Yup, that’ll actually has become a productive lane to catch up.

Sammi is a not a regular podcaster, she’s a cool podcaster who is totally not crazy and fucking obsessed with the new guy she’s dating.

They ask Sammi about Ronnie and she’s like “STAAAHPPP” and says she doesn’t wanna talk about him. Well, okay this was fun.

Discussions ensue about threesomes, foursomes, and gross things they did on the shore, and I deem calling my mothers up and wants to know why they allowed me to watch this shit as a youth.

In the surprise spin no one find coming, we find out that all of them have gotten botox and all the girls have gotten boob jobs. This is episode is actually going to be on too, if you missed it.

SAMMI: I got a boob job


After ogling each other’s balloon sized tits and faces made of rubber, they start reminiscing on the time Mike knocked himself out on a concrete wall. He’s like “that was a dark day for me”. And he means that literally because he dedicated himself a fucking concussion from fighting a wall and had to sit in a dark room for a number of days.

The girls also reveal that MTV, the usually morally upstanding television network, are applied to attain them watch age-old episodes and get riled up so they could battle one another. I see you, MTV.

They talking here Mike possibly going to jail and he’s really scared because he’ll merely get the “G” and the “L”–where’s the T going to come from, dammit?


The group decides to be supportive of Mike’s sobriety and take a nice big cheese in his honor. Nailed it.

They run walk around the coast, basking in their D-list glory, expertly avoiding any conversation about Vinny, Deena or Angelina. And then, they leave? The fucking various kinds of street trip is this? This is more of a field trip! And I’ve had lane most dramatic field trip before. This is not what I signed up for when my daddy started paying for my cable.

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How To Choose The Perfect Dating App Profile Picture To Attract Guys Who Aren’t Fuckboys

Unless you’re a nice daughter who believes you’ll “find love when you’re not looking”, you shouldn’t threw “not here for the hookups” on your Tinder profile. It’s lame and guys already know you’re not on Bumble go looking for hookup. But that doesn’t mean you need to play Tinder like the lottery either. You can tailor your profile to attract the type of guys( or girls) you’re looking for by simply curating your portraits. You’re patently hot in everything, but just like schoolgirl Britney is very different from snake-around-her-neck Britney or flight attendant/ “Toxic” Britney, selecting the persona for your profile will get you different things. Here’s what photos you should use based on what you’re go looking for in online dating.

Here For The Hookups

You’re the Samantha of your best friend group and you’re on Tinder sharking for some Magic Mike bros for your collecting. Don’t worry, you can do this without posting some thirst trap or sounding like a literal sexuality bot. Include a body photo, but one where you’re not trying to be sexy. For example, a workout pic where you’re hiking in short shorts and a athletics bra will show off your torso while disguising itself as a “personality” picture. Or if you’re posting a pic of yourself in a bikini, make sure you’re smiling and living “your best life” with a beverage or surfboard in hand or you’ll look like you’re trying too hard.

Your secondary photos should be straight chill and at least one edgier one. What we entail by that is if that photo you asked your friend to untag “when youre” looking for a job? Yeah, that one. Your boobs seem astonishing in it, and you know that because you secretly saved that photo. The chill photo can be chilling at brunch or in your room, we don’t care. It’s merely there to show you’re not a psycho or a bot.

Looking To Wife Up

When it comes to looking for a relationship on Tinder, you can achieve this as long as you give off wife vibes. This doesn’t mean you can’t take him to your after work open bar a few months in and let him see your alter-ego drunk side, but you’ll only tone it down a bit when it comes to your first impression. Include a photo that shows you at work if you do something concerning. For example, a picture of you taking photographs if you’re a photographer, or in the music studio if you’re a producer. This is like the first scene of every introduction, but it’s there because it builds you seem like a person with a life as opposed to only a girl to take out to dinner.

Then include a photograph of something you’re passionate about outside of job, like if you work at a puppy rescue or volunteer in South America. Your photos should tell a story about your actual life during the day, because it’ll attract guys who want to talk about you rather than hook up at 2am. Make sure your primary photo is a clear photo of your face that isn’t a selfie. And typically we detest it when guys tell us this but literally this is the only period we think you should smile. Smile, look up, and make sure it’s brightly illuminated. Mid body to shoulder and up is perfect–if in need of inspiration just imagine you’re a country singer with a debut album and you’re looking for cover art that captures your personality.

You Just Broke Up And You’re On The Rebound

You’re on Tinder to hook up but you’re not actually ready for a fuckbuddy. You’re just looking to start some flirty dialogues while you test the new water of being single. You’re “open” to dating but you don’t actually want to get into a relationship. Basically you’re rebounding but you don’t want to talk to fuckboys–you just want attention. Your primary photo: a selfie. Make sure it’s well-lit and doesn’t have a Snapchat filter on it, but the selfie demonstrates clearly you haven’t threw that much time into creating your profile. You’re not here to wife up, but you’re also not here to meet up tonight. Continue the selfie something you’d send your friends, so avoid overly explicit faces or like, taking it in your couch. If it’s a little funny, even better.

Your secondary photos should be one of you at a bridal appearing innocent and fairly, without your date plainly. It shows you know to cleaning process and indications that you’re not out here trying to get casual sex. You also should include a photo of you and an animal, if you have a pet. If you don’t, borrow one, it’s not hard. Puppies are better than cats, but if you must go cat you are able to use a kitten. This lets him know you ARE capable of emotional support and likewise reminds yourself that just because Jake left you doesn’t mean you can’t love a living thing, even if it is an eight pound toy dog.

You Crave To Date Someone Who Won’t Make You Move In With Him

You’re trying to find person between “you up? ” and “save the date”. You’re not looking to settle down in a serious relationship for at the least a few years, but you still want to date because sometimes nuzzling is fun.

You want to include pictures of you being out and interesting as opposed to domestic and chill. Did you do one of those colour operates or mud races? That’s a good one to include. It shows you’re busy and living your own life and will attract a guy who’s also on his own schedule. Include a pic of you out with your friends, perhaps making a coy face at the camera with a drink in your hand, or at a fancy dinner with a celebrity behind you. Maintain the pictures playful obvs, but these late nighttime “out and about” pics are a lane to show him you expect him to be wining and dining you as opposed to staying in and watchingin sweatpants with you. You’re looking for a fun, flirty relationship that stays in the courting phase so you can avoid the dreaded commitment phase where everything breaks down.

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