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A Breakdown Of The Army Of Skanks Competing For Arie Luyendyk Jr.’s Heart On ‘The Bachelor’

It’s here. The moment we’ve been waiting for has finally arrived: Trump is getting impeached ABC has liberated the cast bios of Arie’s contestants. At first glance, they look just like every other season of: 67 blondes, a handful of brunettes, and a few women working in colouring to protect ABC from a suit celebrate diversity. But they’re so much more than that. Let’s get into each and every one of these contestants.

Ali, 27, Personal Stylist

Ali readily admits to listening to Nickelback, so she’s clearly not in a stable position to be looking for love. She also thinks NYC is the most romantic city in the U.S. Ah yes , nothing like the pervasive smell of urine and people calling on the street to really get you in the romantic mood! She seems like, fine, though. She describes herself as “adventurous” and “funny, kind, and down to earth.” In other words, she’s highly boring. But pretty. I’m sure she’ll do fine.

Amber, 29, Business Owner

Here we go with another “business owner”. I’m calling it now, this girl either works for her daddy a la Corinne, or she sells Younique makeup or some other bullshit MLM and is constantly posting on Facebook about how “9-to- 5 jobs are the real pyramid schemes.” Amber’s favorite actor is Meryl Streep, which is like saying your favorite meat is pizza.

Annaliese, 32, Event Designer

Annaliese and her mommy have matching superstar tattoos on their left wrist, so I feel like if she makes it to hometown dates we’re going to see a lot of Annaliese’s mom shadily trying to flirt with Arie. For that reason only, I hope she makes it far. When asked what five things she can’t live without, she said, “I feel like the physical things are food: avocados, cheese, ice cream, but emotionally: enjoy, laughter.” Okay, Annaliese. No need to get all metaphysical on us. Just stick to the material things; that’s why we’re all here.

Ashley, 25, Real Estate Agent

So far Ashley seems the realest out of anyone. Her least favorite household chore is, and I quote, “LAUNDRY! Takes me a whole week from cleansing to folding and putting it all away.” As for the things she can’t live without? “My family, pals, Spotify, hair straightener and cute clothes.” Honestly, I have no issues here. I accept Ashley.

Becca K ., 27, Publicist

It wouldn’t be a season of if we didn’t have more than one Becca. One of the things on Becca’s bucket list is to fall in love. Like, actually, Becca? That’s it? Dream big, FFS.

Bekah M ., Age Not Listed, Nanny

Okay so first of all, “Bekah”? Are you fucking kidding me with that spelling? Ugh. No. I likewise find it suspicious that she didn’t list her age, probably since this daughter is underage. I intend, look at her. WTF is she wearing, a tinkerbell clothing? When asked what she’s most afraid of, Bekah replied, “Losing my support system or being trapped in an unfulfilling life.” Like, wow, okay, who invited Debbie Downer over here? Set down the blunt and just say you’re afraid of snakes or some shit.

Bibiana, 30, Executive Assistant

Bibiana? I’m sorry, is that your epithet or a brand of adult diapers? When asked if she’s a buff of artwork, she responded, “Yes. Wish I could be art.” Bitch, are you high? Have you been smoking whatever Bekah is on? Or do you merely not understand the question? In response to the question, “How much do you like to go out dancing? ” She answered, “Love dancing. Don’t even need to go out to dance! ” Like, okay, but “thats really not” the issues to! Either Bibiana is trying lane too fucking hard to seem deep, or she’s just really dumb. Judging given the fact that she wishes she could be an orca because “they keep their fam tight, ” I’m going with the latter.

Brianna aka Bri, 25, Sports Reporter

I have a feeling this daughter is going to be Arie’s kryptonite. She looks like a pageant girl but probably recognizes herself as “one of the guys” since she works in sports. If she could be any other person for a day, she would be “an NFL player.” Not a particular one, just any NFL player. K, I suppose she doesn’t understand how football runs. Likewise, her greatest accomplishment to date is “Putting myself together after heartache and winning an Emmy! ” I’ll take “Here for the incorrect reasons for $1,000, ” Alex.

Brittane J ., 27, Marketing Manager

No, that’s not a typo. This girl’s name is Brittane. Like, Britain? Brit-ane? Someone please advise. Her guilty pleasure is chocolate milkshakes and being married entails “everything” to her. She says, “my life would be complete with being married with a family.” Stage 5 clinger alert.

Brittany T ., 30, Tech Recruiter

Oh, hold out, that girl above’s epithet is pronounced like Brittany? Lord Jesus, secures it. Anyway, Normal Brittany seems a little dead inside–when asked where she gratifies guys she said “I don’t…jk” and followed that up with, “The past two I’ve gratified have been through date apps and they’re dreadful human beings, ” which is extremely relatable. Her favorite meat are ramen, sushi, pizza, and poke bowls. Brittany T ., you can be staying with us.

Caroline, 26, Realtor

This lady has a plant named Phil, so please excuse me for a second while I alert the authorities concerned. When asked what hair color she secretly wishes to have( sidenote: who at ABC is getting high and coming up with these questions ?), she answered, “I’m somewhat into the redhead from. ” Okay, Caroline, which one though? There are multiple redheads on. That’s kind of like, the whole deal with season one. To Caroline, being married entails, “Never being too old to be silly or dance in the rain.” People who say shit like this have clearly never danced in the rainwater, or been outside in it, period. It’s miserable. It’s wet. It’s cold. It’s only fun in the movies.

Chelsea, 29, Real Estate Exec. Assistant

I don’t know why Chelsea couldn’t just say she’s an executive aide, but had to qualify what industry she’s a secretary in. Nice try. I see you. When asks what non-U.S. metropoli she procures the most romantic, this bitch answered, “Take this daughter to France! It’s where all the adoration narratives seem to be based in the fairytales I heard as a little girl.” France is not a city, and Chelsea is everything that’s wrong with the American education system.

Jacqueline, 26, Research Coordinator

Winona Ryder, what are you doing on? Shouldn’t you be filming? Jacqueline is way too smart for this shit. This female works for a psychiatry research lab and is getting in PhD in substance psychology( whatever the hell is ). She’s not going to last long. I wonder if she’s ever heard of emotional intelligence…

Jenna, 28, Social Media Manager

Finally someone I can relate to: a millennial named Jenna. Her favorite Tv show is , and her ideal boy is “funny with a sense of humor.” Okay, so perhaps she’s not the brightest bulb.

Jenny, 25, Graphic Designer

We’ve got a blonde Jenna and a blonde Jenny; I hope one of them gets removed the first night so I don’t have to try to tell them apart. She’s the second person so far to list as one of her favorite movies, which seems odd to me, but whatever. She likes hiking and camping and her favorite fictional character is Lola Bunny because “she’s good at athletics and retains up with the boys, ” so I’d bet my life savings that Jenny “doesn’t get along with girls” and “hates drama”.

Jessica, 26, Television Host

God, it’s like ABC didn’t even to continue efforts to get people who are actually here to find love. A Canadian TV host? Are you fucking kidding me, Mike Fleiss? I’m not even reading Jessica’s bio, out of protest.

Kendall, 26, Creative Director

Props to Kendall for somehow becoming the creative administrator of anything before her 30 th birthday. Please DM me career advice. If she could be any animal, she’d has become a bat because it’s a flying mammal. I guess being a bird is just too mainstream? She says she once drove a auto off of a ramp and through the caboose of a moving train. A quick Google search exposes Kendall was once on. HERE. FOR. THE. WRONG. REASONS.

Krystal, 29, Fitness Coach

Should I simply skip to the end of the alphabet? They might as well have written “Krystal, 29, aspiring Instagram model.” If Krystal could be an animal, she’d be a unicorn, because “those who believe in magical knows where to find it.” Ugh, next.

Lauren B ., 25, Tech Salesperson

Lauren B. is kind of boring , not unlike a certain other blonde Lauren B. Her guilty amusement music is “T-Swift, ” which she admits is “so basic”. If she could be a fictional character, she’d be Elsa because she’s always wanted to be a Disney princess. I’ve been searching for a personality amongst these answers and I can’t find it, so I’ll be organizing a search party post-haste.

Lauren G ., 26, Executive Recruiter

Aside from being a little basic–Lauren has a sun tattoo behind her ear and a few finger tattoos–there’s not that much to hate about Lauren G. She dislikes grocery browse( same ), admires Oprah( likewise same ), watches( you know what I’m going to say) and doesn’t believe in fairy tale intrigues, but believes in things being meant to be.

Lauren J ., 33, Recent Masters Graduate

First off, there’s too many Laurens. At least one of them has got to go. Second of all, “Recent Masters Graduate” is not an occupation. Like, congrats, but it’s just a fancy route of saying you’re unemployed and in a ton of debt. She’s from Louisiana and I can just tell because as the 5 things she can’t live without, Lauren J. listed, “Mama, my nephews, porch swingings, mascara and love.” I’m sorry, did Taylor Swift write your bio? You know everyone in the world does not using the same collective “Mama, ” right?

Lauren S ., 31, Social Media Manager

Nope. I will not entertain another Lauren, specially not one who would want to be “literally anyone in Taylor Swift’s girl squad” for a period. Taylor doesn’t even have a squad anymore; it’s pretty much cancelled, LAUREN. Lauren’s favorite author is J.K. Rowling, “because she fabricated Harry Potter. I’m a nerd.” Spare me. Daughters who say they’re nerds for liking Harry Potter are also the type to wear Converse with garments and call themselves quirky.

Maquel, 23, Photographer

Maquel? What the inferno, is this Racquel with an M? I mean, whatever, this daughter is pretty basic. Her ideal mate looks like Ryan Gosling, she needs to be fed on dates so she doesn’t get #Hangry( her hashtag utilize , not mine ), and her favorite vacation is Halloween. Actually I’m beginning to think that Maquel is not a real person, but rather, an AI bot planted by the producers to satirize white girls.

Marikh, 27, Restaurant Owner

We have another Meryl Streep lover, and another person who doesn’t understand the concept of anxiety. Know who you are? Marikh’s biggest fear is “unfulfilled potential, ” and I’m sorry, but no. Unfulfilled potential will never slaughter you in your sleep. Unfulfilled potential will never put you in imminent threat. Fuck outta here with your fake deep panics. That runs for all of you.

Nysha, 30, Orthopedic Nurse

Honestly the most questionable thing about Nysha is that her favorite Tv show is. Girl. jumped the shark ages ago. Day to get a new how. Then again, if she could be any fictional character, one of her options was Willy Wonka, because he had his own chocolate mill. Like, did you realize either adaptation? Willy Wonka was a perturbed, lonely man. Belief about your life, think about your choices.

Olivia, 23, Marketing Associate

Olivia’s favorite book OF ALL TIME is , which produces me to believe that she may be illiterate. That’s all I have to say at this time.

Seinne, 27, Commercial Real Estate Manager

One of the things Seinne cannot live without is the ocean. Um, okay. How often are you going to the ocean, actually, that you cannot live without it? Should I have someone come check on you to make sure you’re still alive after filming? Seinne’s favorite holiday is New Year’s Eve, which leads me to believe that she is a serial murderer. No sane person enjoys spending hundreds of dollars to scarcely move in an overcrowded fraternity and fight the bartender for your one free glass of champagne.

Tia, 26, Physical Therapist

Tia has some weird tattoos–notably, the words “Mama& Papa” on her left foot and “Peace” on her right foot. What are you trying to say? Your mom and dad require peace? Is peace somehow the opposite of Mama& Papa? I’m very confused. Watch, the first 10 seconds on screen she’ll disclose she’s an orphan, and I’ll be the biggest asshole on the internet.

Valerie, 25, Server

Valerie is clearly merely here to collect her SugarBearHair check and leaping, which I semi respect. Honestly, though, her biggest dread is the deep ocean because “there’s so much about it we don’t know, ” and FUCKING FINALLY. Someone with a real fear that I also share, meaning I’m not alone. Valerie lives in Nashville, aka the reject capitol of the nation, so I’m supposing she’ll get kicked off pretty early on, should be going, and start dating like, Luke or somebody.

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